I officiated at my 196th wedding on Saturday. But who’s counting?
Saturday’s wedding was a joyful event for me because it afforded to me the opportunity to stand with two of my dear friends who also happen to be people of deep and authentic faith. It was not so much a ceremony as it was a worship service, a rich expression of praise in which the bride and groom understood themselves to be secondary to the glorification of Jesus Christ. I was thrilled, humbled, and honored to be a participant in such a blessed event. It was a wedding that I will never forget.
Because the experience was so good, however, it served to highlight some of my other wedding experiences that were less joyful for me. What was the difference? What makes some wedding experiences more meaningfully memorable than others for the officiating pastor?
I have come to believe that part of what sometimes prevents me from feeling fully invested in a wedding service is the collection of contemporary wedding trends, some of which I see as enormous stumbling blocks in the way of creating a Christ-centered worship experience. Three of the wedding trends to which I am making reference are these:
-THE CULTURAL INSISTENCE UPON SEEING THE WEDDING AS “THE BRIDE’S DAY”
When did this begin to happen? The danger in seeing the wedding as the bride’s day, of course, is that the bride’s (or groom’s) preferences can very easily become the governing mechanism by which the entire content of the service is determined. What happens, however, if the bride’s preference in music favors the romantic over the worshipful? What happens if the bride and groom decide that the existing liturgy is less than satisfactory and that they want to write their own vows to make them more personal? What happens if the bride and groom make the decision that Jesus’ name should not be mentioned throughout the service, since there will be some Jews and Muslims in attendance? My point is this: Allowing any individual bride or groom (or pastor, for that matter) to make his or her preferences the only governing mechanism in the planning of a wedding is a seductive and dangerous course of action. These days, I do my best to make clear to brides and grooms that the wedding is neither their day nor my day. Rather, a Christian wedding is the church’s day. We are merely being invited to participate.
-THE LAYERS OF CULTURAL EXPECTATION THAT WE CONTINUE TO PLACE UPON YOUNG BRIDES AND GROOMS
It was once the case in America, during the frontier days, that a wedding was all about the vows and the prayers surrounding them. Then, the family and friends of the bride and groom would hold a picnic or a house party. There would be celebration and laughter. There would be good food and intimate friendship. Weddings these days, however, are expensive cultural events. The reception hall is chosen before the church is even contacted. The money spent on wedding garb and limousines could provide a downpayment for a house. Guests are invited, not necessarily because of their friendship with the bride and groom, but because of the social and political weight of their presence. Brides and grooms are encouraged to make their wedding more elegant and more “unique” than the last wedding that they attended. Overbearing parents of brides and grooms micromanage the process in an effort to experience vicariously through their children the wedding that they themselves were never given an opportunity to enjoy. We certainly have done young brides and grooms a huge and expensive disservice by allowing these layers of cultural expectation to accumulate upon the wedding celebration. Each of these layers, I think, has the potential to make it even more difficult to reach the spirit of worship that is at the heart of Christian marriage.
-THE EVER-EXPANDING ROLE OF WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHERS AND VIDEOGRAPHERS
It is not at all my intention to disparage those good people who make a living in this industry. What I have come to find, however, is that, when weddings are treated more as ceremonies to be photographed than worship services to be experienced, the role of the photographer/videographer becomes distorted. These days, brides and grooms are willing to shell out thousands upon thousands of dollars in an effort to capture every minute of their wedding day. The problem, however, is that we can become so obsessed with CAPTURING every minute that we diminish our capacity to EXPERIENCE every minute. Photographers and videographers have their place. My concern is that their presence at a wedding, if not carefully restricted, can tamper with the spirit of reverence that a worship service demands.
Saturday’s wedding was a great experience for me. It made me believe that an experience of worship and a sense of the holy are still to be found in wedding celebrations. There is still the potential for a glorification of the covenant-making presence of God, even if we have to search for it beneath several layers of nuptial extravagance. Endeavoring to create a meaningful and worshipful wedding, in other words, is still worth the effort.
Amen.
I’m with you, Eric. The best wedding in which I’ve participated was a couple who were longtime, faithful church folks who insisted on being married on Sunday morning as part of the worship service, so that the event would be entirely wrapped up in Christ. It was a wonderful experience, and having it on Sunday morning gave it a richness and depth I’ll always cherish.
Eric…I once had a wedding where a mother-in law to be asked me if I could move the unsightly table from the center of the chancel. Unfortunately, she was talking about the communion table. Apparently, she thought it would not look good as a backdrop for the pictures. I told her to look at the words carved into the table “Do this in remembrance of me.” I then told her that such a thing would only be done in remembrance of me, because it would be done over my dead body.
I guess I always felt like I was a rental at weddings. I was just another prop being bought to enhance the bride’s day. Although, I always preached a short homily at every wedding. They were gonna hear about Jesus whether they wanted to or not.
I thought your piece was thought provoking and hit the nail on the head.
Eric,
I agree with your assessment of the trends concerning weddings. They continue to grow as Events that are to bigger and better than others. When we were growing up, TLC’s “A Wedding Story” wasn’t around nor was the show “Whose Wedding is it Anyways?” in which the wedding planner becomes the focus of the day, but I do distinctly remember the extravaganza of Chuck & Di. I think that set this creature into motion….
At the same time that the culture seemed to be focusing on The Wedding Ceremony, I don’t recall having a big focus on the wedding by the church. We discussed relationships & marriage, but as far as the ceremony itself it wasn’t until we sat down with our priest that I evaluated the ceremony itself.
Another reason for the changing focus of the ceremony is that when many young people are entering into relationships they are also experiencing a void in their worship or religious life. And while marriage and weddings may have been covered in their early religious experiences, now that they could relate to the topics, the church is not present in their life, but the magazines and TV are there sharing details, details and more details.
Weddings may be the event that brings people back to the church but I would hope that it affords them the opportunity to (re)discover their connection to Christ. I am glad that you spend the time to share with couples the purpose and focus of the day.
Thanks, friends, for your good thoughts.
Keith…Your words make me think that perhaps all weddings should somehow be linked to the congregation’s weekend worship life. Perhaps then people would choose the location of the wedding based on worship ties rather than architecture. Wouldn’t that be refreshing?
Randy…I love your imagery! The pastor as a “rental”. Yeah, that nails it.
Allene…Great point about young people not seeing weddings as worship simply because “the church is not present in their lives.” You make me see even more clearly that the issues at hand go way beyond weddings and their content.
In my years as a pastor, I’ve performed 47 funerals, and 9 weddings. With numbers like that, I can only conclude that most people would rather die than get married!
Eric, you have some very good insights for weddings. Your second one on the cultural expectations really resonated with me, after living for awhile in Long Island, NY and seeing the incredible extravagance and expense of, - note - not the wedding ceremony, but the reception. The last wedding I attended in Long Island, about 7 years ago, the wedding ceremony lasted about 15 minutes. Seriously. Maybe there were 50 people there, some of whom still had curlers in their hair in preparation for the reception. At the reception, there were approximately 200 people, and the party raged for 7 hours. The marriage, by the way, lasted about as long. Thankfully, Western PA hasn’t got the same cultural expectation as some other places, but it is a revealing trend and becoming more so. It does, however, give us a great opportunity to offer (hopefully, require) premarital counseling and church attendance prior to performing the wedding, which gives us the chance to get to know the couple and welcome them into our church worship services and share Christ with them.
Jeff…
47 to 9! Sounds like a college football score in week one of the season!
With your penchant for magic, I hear that you put the “fun” in funeral.
“Now, everybody, where is the queen of spades? Take a look in the casket. There it is…sticking out of Uncle Barney’s lapel pocket!!!!”
Long Island, eh? Yeah, I’ll bet that your experience there provided some interesting perspective concerning weddings…and everything else, for that matter.
I share your hope for premarital counseling. The hard part, of course, is getting people to focus on the things that matter most. But, then again, that’s true with every worship service, isn’t it?
Eric,
Shame on you for that whole Queen of Spades nonsense at a FUNERAL! I would never use the QUEEN of Spades, everyone knows it is the ACE of Spades that is the death card, and the only one appropriate to use when putting the ‘fun’ in funeral! Honestly, I’ve never used the magic in that setting, although I have done a lot of cool things with the bride and groom’s wedding rings just before (never during - yet!) the service.
Eric, I just got a chance to read your blog, and I am very thankful that you feel the way you do regarding the wedding May 19. You have often in Bible studies and classes mentioned or asked people when they felt Christ in their life, and I never really could answer definitively. However, the way you conducted the service, I felt Christ from probably the most meaningful prayer of my life which you conducted with my best man (my dad) and myself before we went out for the service until the time we walked up the aisle as man and wife. Thank you for leading the experience. I can picture no man nor minister that would have made the day any better by setting such an atmosphere for worship! Thank you again, the groom!
The honor and pleasure were all mine, dude.