Today, I ran across this great quote offered by none other than Kurt Vonnegut:
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.”
I wanted simply to chuckle and move on in my reading. But something about those seventeen words captured my attention and inspired me explore them a bit more deeply.
Perhaps they struck a chord in my reflection because of the guilt that I sometimes experience on those days when I feel like I’m “pretending” to be a pastor—or pretending to be a disciple, for that matter. There are days, for example, when my introverted personality cries out for solitude. But an afternoon of counseling appointments or hospital visits compels this introvert to do some holy “pretending” in the area of appearing interested, invested, and well-focused, all the while listening to the stories of precious and sometimes broken souls.
There are days when I long to speak my mind to ornery church members, burying them with the creative rebukes and insults that I have been secretively rehearsing for months. But the biblical call for patience causes this often-impatient pastor to do some holy “pretending” in the area of tongue-holding and refusing to respond in kind.
There are days when the competitor in me is sorely tempted to utilize preaching and teaching as a spiritual weapon, offending people with my personality instead of offering to them the Word of the Living God. But discipleship’s long-standing emphasis upon servant leadership brings this arrogant pastor to his knees, causing him to do some holy “pretending” in the area of homiletical hospitality and graciousness.
Vonnegut’s quote strips away the veneer of my piety and takes me into the depths of who I am. In short, I am an occasional pretender. Not a charlatan. Not a full-time hypocrite. Not a wearer of masks. But a sinner who, when he does not feel the desire to do the Christ-like thing, must allow the Holy Spirit to bring him into the land of make-believe. To put it another way, when I do not desire to be the pastor or the disciple that I know Jesus is calling me to be, I have no other choice but to pretend to be that pastor and that disciple, until the Spirit transforms my pretending into genuine and heartfelt desire.
It has been said that practice makes perfect. Perhaps holy pretending makes perfect as well—pretending to be something until we become that something.
I will be the first to acknowledge that there is also an unholy pretending to which we can fall prey. Chronic hypocrisy, for example, is a pathological form of pretending. But that is not what I am describing here. I am making reference to the kind of “pretending” that Moravian Peter Bohler had in mind when he told John Wesley to “preach faith until you have it, then, because you have it, you will preach faith.” It was Bohler’s way, I think, of telling Wesley that faith must sometimes be practiced (pretended) until it can be authentically embraced and lived.
How is your holy pretending these days? After all, perhaps Vonnegut had it right. “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.” Are we pretending to be the right thing?
Eric,
I read the post last evening, but “pretended” I didnt read it until this morning. I find myself being a holy pretender alot, but find safety in numbers, realizing that I am not the only pretender out there. Thanks for being real with us!!
Barb
Eric…you have great wisdom. For a good part of the year before I left ministry, I was truly a holy pretender. I had lost the spiritual energy, vitality and grounding of faith, but continued to preach,teach and counsel as if I were fine.
When I first left the church, I felt really guilty about this, like I hadn’t been authentic. I wondered how I was able to pull off such a charade of strength and faith when I was depressed and hopeless.
But I came to realize that despite my own brokenness the gospel still preached. As the old expression says, “It’s not the singer…it’s the song. When I look back at my pastoral records, I am still amazed that during that period, there were several professions of faith. Even though I was in effect pretending, God still used me to make a difference in people’s lives.
So maybe a little holy pretending isn’t always such a bad thing!
Greetings Beloved Pretender and Defender of the Faith (that’s a superhero role):
I have been thinking about the role feelings play in my day-to-day faith struggles. When I don’t “feel” authentic in my faith, what is it that really makes me authentic? I guess I am looking for a solid place to stand.
Some days I have to plod ahead and choose to overrule my feelings. I guess that, in a way, is pretending. You know the times when you say to yourself, “I really shouldn’t feel this way, but I do anyhow.” I can get carried off into a fantasy world where I rehearse different arguments and scenarios. I create a mental battleground where I eke out revenge on imagined injustices perpetrated against me (kind of like Ralphie in the “Christmas Story” and his Redrider BB gun taking on the bad guys as they crawl into the back yard, over the fence, and behind the garage). You know those “bad guys” come from every direction. But “Ole Blue” can take care of those bad guys. I think that was the name of Ralphie’s BB gun wasn’t it?
But back to reality. My hope is that I can give my feelings to Jesus and somehow He will fix things. In the interim, I pretend. I have been mulling over the idea of being a “chooser” to get through the times of pretending. Can I “choose” my way to get past my feelings. I don’t want to get into trouble by pretending to not have any doubts or struggles. I don’t want to say I don’t have feeings. They demand my attention.
Anyway the journey, the search, and the struggle continues. But Jesus walks with me. He promsied me “I will never fail you or forsake you.”
To quote Kurt Vonnegut “So It Goes”
Brad
Good stuff. You’re one wise man, brother. And I’m not pretending when I write that!
I was so pleased that you were elected to our General Conference delegation, and pleased as well that you and Tara helped lead the music in Grove City. You are both a blessing!