I spent the entire day yesterday (sunrise to sundown) at Oakmont Country Club, enjoying the U.S. Open and admiring the talents of the world’s greatest golfers.
In the morning, I spent a couple of hours in the grandstands overlooking both the fifth green and the entire par-3 sixth hole. While sitting there, I listened to the comments of the people around me and suddenly felt like I was sitting in a church service or meeting.
These were some of the comments that I heard (translated into churchspeak for the liturgically impaired):
“As much money as these golfers make, they should sign autographs every time people ask for them.” (Churchspeak translation: “We pay the pastor’s salary, therefore s/he should be available to us whenever we want him/her to be.”)
“Can you save my seat? I have to visit one of the portojohns.” (Churchspeak translation: “Don’t let anyone sit in my pew.”)
“You know that Tiger’s wife is white, right?” (Churchspeak translation: “Whites should stay with whites, ‘colored’ folks should stay with ‘colored’ folks.”)
“Why would Sergio Garcia wear those ugly blue pants?” (Churchspeak translation: “Why would they choose THOSE curtains for the Fellowship Hall?”)
“I’m going to stay in these bleachers until I see every single golfer play this hole.” (Churchspeak translation: “I was here long before the pastor arrived, and I’ll be here long after he leaves!”)
“When the U.S. Open was held here back in 1994, we could get much closer to the players.” (Churchspeak translation: “We’ve never done it that way before.”)
“I can’t believe that they’re charging five dollars for a stinkin’ hotdog!” (Churchspeak translation: “I don’t like the preacher talking so much about money! I’m on a fixed income!”)
“I’m not going to stay all day. I just wanted to be able to say I attended the U.S. Open.” (Churchspeak translation: “Look, I attend worship once a month. What more does God want, for crying out loud?!”)
“I hope a foreigner doesn’t win the Open this year.” (Churchspeak translation: “God bless America!”)
“How can Tiger concentrate with that huge crowd of people following him? If I were a golfer, I’d want to be as anonymous as possible.” (Churchspeak translation: “Our church has gotten too big. I don’t feel like I know everybody anymore.”)
Even at the U.S. Open, I can’t get away from the church!
funny, sorry you can’t get away, i think i had a bad dream about church last night or the night before. that was awful enough.
maybe those who don’t want the foreigner win will be happy with a guy named bubba.
You are one sick puppy. Get thee to a vacation!
Being a former, amateur stand up comedian…I say this…you’ve got it! Very Funny…I will definitely steal this material!
Very interesting. Kate and I drove around the US Open traffic Thursday to see Povertyneck Hillbillies at the Galleria Mall at Pgh. Mills. I was very glad I wasn’t trying to get to the golf thing. We had several members that worked the Open…wonder if they said any of those things. Loosely translated, their comments would be, “Boy am I glad our pastor and his family is so perfect”. Hee hee.
r
if this is the tara i grew up with then you are most happy my brother.for she is is my sister from a long time ago.just ask her about WE ARE THE REASON by David Meece!Go with GOD,Michael